Note: all stated GDA percentages are based on an average woman aged between 20-30 years old who has a low physical activity level (no sport, walks less than 30 mins a day) – so, the type of person who goes to McDonalds then.
Whilst poring over the latest issue of the McDonalds Nutrition Breakdown, I made some interesting observations. Firstly I was studying the ‘suitable for vegetarians’ column. Obviously the only things on the main menu that vegetarians can eat are the famous fries, and the breakfast menu offers porridge, hash browns, bagels and pancakes for all you animal lovers out there. Furthermore, the two non-meat salads have the vege seal, as do all of the dips, ice creams and drinks. Well, not all the dips, ice creams and drinks.
Presumably because Smarties contain gelatine, that version of the McFlurry is unsuitable. However, why the hell does Fanta have meat in it? What on earth do they put in the apple pie, huh? Mincemeat? Perhaps the most staggering of them all is the sour cream and chive dip. What the actual fuck? I don't know what they make these things out of. If I wanted a meaty drink, I’d buy a Bovril. Ooh, Microsoft Word just capitalised Bovril for me. Bovril. Lovely Bovril. It won’t even let me write it in lowercase. Microsoft and Bovril must be best friends. Anyway, apparently the shattered dreams of failed careers and school drop-outs don’t seem to be suitable ingredients for vegetarians.
The most unusual and deceptive must be the Spicy Veggie sandwich. The name even implies that it is designed for vegetarians, and it’s basically the only thing on the entire menu that isn’t meaty or fishy. Not only does it somehow contain meat somewhere (are the vegetables dipped in blood before they’re put in the bun?) but it’s also a massive 555 Kcal per sandwich. That’s far too much for what essentially should be vegetables and bread. If it’s not dipped in pure blood beforehand, it must be dipped in lard or gravy or something.
Aside from the vegetarian bits, some of the allergy information revealed some unusual findings. Nothing contains crustaceans, molluscs or lupin, you’ll be pleased to find out. Are people allergic to celery? A celery allergy? Is that a thing? Whatever. When I first saw the column indicating allergies to sulphur dioxide and sulphates, I wondered why anyone would be allergic to an element. Imagine if you were allergic to carbon or nitrogen. I then moved on to musing why McDonalds would even include sulphur in their products. Surely nothing contains sulphur?! Well folks, step forward the Bacon Roll. It has the proud distinction of being the only thing on the menu that sufferers of sulphur allergies are unable to eat. Poor them. They should sue on discrimination grounds.
Chicken nuggets, sorry, I mean chicken ‘McNuggets’, contain milk and eggs. Of course they do. I also never knew that ketchup contained celery. Good to see that they’ve let us know that there is milk in the milk. Surprisingly, there are also eggs in the Egg McMuffin and fish in the fish fingers. Probably only trace amounts, I’d imagine.
My favourite overall has to be the Coke Zero. 2 Kcals. It’s got no protein, fat, carbohydrates, sugars or fibre and only the slightest of salt traces. So what is it? I don’t understand. It’s literally made of nothing.